"WREATH"
Sing to the tune of Pink Floyd's "Breathe"
Wreath, Wreath on the door
But what the hell's it for?
Leaves(The) leaves scratch me,
Curse and shout Haul the holly out
Lose my mind December time,
slushstorms and post office lines
Schizoid Christmaphobic fear,
Comes around this time each year
Run Rudolph run,
Got a scope upon my gun,
Just nailed Pran - cer and Blitz-unn,
Bambi, Kobe, Britney, and that other one
Call me Scrooge or call me strange
Spare me from the gift exchange,
Last year everybody gave,
Discount Wal-Mart aftershave...
PART 2
CARDIAC TIME
(sung to "Time")
Packing away the food and the fudge and the fruitcake
Feeding your face like a Carnival cruise buffayeeay
Washing it down with some rum you found at the FoodTown
Eggnog is great if you make it my granddaddy's wayeeay
Tired of dodging carbohydrates' Tis the season; have a taste
Hey the neighbors brought it by, how rude to let it go to waste
Then Boxing Day you find You've got a huge behind,
you know restraint's no effing fun You'll get some lipo done...
[Snack break]
You don't run very far - at least there's a spa you're paying
Raises your pulse to scope out the spandexy babes
You think with dismay what your relatives weigh, plus you're older,
short for your weight - and one pound closer to freight
Every year you're getting larger Never seem to exercise
Hoping that you'll find someone who digs your Brontosaurus thighs
Pigging out on candy decorations is the Christmas way
The diet's toast The year is over
Start again on New Year's Day...
Part 3
DUDE, WHERE'S MY SLEIGH? (To "Breathe Reprise")
Stoned
Stoned again
Just me and Pink Floyd in my van
When my elves have got me wired
It's good to light my pipe and play retired
Far away from Mrs. Claus
And lists of kids with conduct flaws
Parked beyond the Polar rails
I must escape those freakin' jingle bells
Part 4
FROSTY
(sing to "Money")
[Tape loop plays sounds of Cash registers, shovels l scraping, model train whistles, snowballs hitting windows, sleigh bells, and someone sneezing]
[Repeat as bass kicks in, in the lovely but undanceable 7/4 time]
Frosty
Jolly soul
Corn cob pipe big button nose'n eyes of coal
Frostayyy
So we're told
On- ly snow; don't buy that,
the Children know
It's no fairy tale,
'cause that - day heCame to life;
shocked the occult freaks
Frosty
Cool cat
Said "All you brats
Keep your hands off of my hat"
Frostayyy
Pitched a fit
"Don't give me that old Santy Claus bullshit
I'm an A-mer-can Idol-sized film star,
better than y'all
With one big set of SNOW balls"
[Sax solo]
[Electric guitar solo]
[Corncob pipe solo]
Frostayyy
What a schmuck
Flashed his white ass
And then stole the keys to my truck
Frostayyy
So they say
Tried Ah-nold's threat: "Ah'll be back
Someday"
But we threw - him on the porch - and
Grabbed blow torches; we melted
Him awayAwayAwayAwayAway[etc.]
[Background sounds:
Mickey Rooney and Burl Ives debate whether that was the way it really happened in the cartoon. No consensus is reached. Fisticuffs ensue.]
Part 4
CHIMNEY DAMAGE
(To "Brain Damage")
A herd of deer - is in the sky
A herd of deer - is in the sky
No time to stop; they've got too far to fly
Guess what "rain" in "reindeer" must imply
(Sound effect of drizzling)
A herd of deer - is on the roof
A herd of deer - just smashed my roof
The eaves collapsed beneath the weight of forty hoofs
Say Santa Claus ain't real but I've got proof
And if your house breaks open where the reindeer stroll
And if your home insurance says it's bull
And if the lawyers say sue Santa for the hole
I'll see you at the North Side of the Pole
Ho
HOOOO
Ho
Now Santa Claus - is in my house[ ~ Santa laughs demonically ~ ]
Yes Santa Claus - broke in my house
I call the cops; I scream in vain
But 9-1-1 thinks I'm insane
I spray the Mace
He bolts through my chim-ney
Now something's in my sock but it's not me
And if you don't count
This assault right here
I've been a damn good boy all year
(Oh oh OH oh uh WHOA)
So fat man if you've left another lump of coal
(Hey hey HEYYY)
I'LL SEE YOU AT THE NORTH SIDE OF THE POLE!
Ho
HOOOO
Ho
Originally published November 30, 2010
